Sunday, January 10, 2010

CLEAN JOKES TIMOTHY DEXTER

According to his own account, was born in Malden, Massachusetts. "I was born," says he, (in his celebrated work, A Pikel for the Knowing Ones,) "1747, Jan. 22; on this day in the morning, a great snow storm in the signs of the seventh house; whilst Mars came forward, Jupiter stood by to hold the candle. I was born to be a great man."

Lord Dexter, after having served an apprenticeship to a leather dresser, commenced business in Newburyport, where he married a widow, who owned a house and a small piece of land; part of which, soon after the nuptials, was converted into a shop and tan-yard.

By application to his business, his property increased, and the purchase of a large tract of land near Penobscot, together with an interest which he bought in the Ohio Company's purchase, afforded him so much profit, as to induce him to buy up Public Securities at forty cents on the pound, which securities soon afterwards became worth twenty shillings on the pound.

His lordship at one time shipped a large quantity of warming pans to the West Indies, where they were sold at a great advance on prime cost, and used for molasses ladles. At another time, he purchased a large quantity of whalebone for ships' stays,—the article rose in value upon his hands, and he sold it to great advantage.

Property now was no longer the object of his pursuit: but popularity became the god of his idolatry. He was charitable to the poor, gave large donations to religious societies, and rewarded those who wrote in his praise.

His lordship about this time acquired his peculiar taste for style and splendor; and to enhance his own importance in the world, set up an elegant equipage, and at great cost, adorned the front of his house with numerous figures of illustrious personages.

By his order, a tomb was dug under his summer-house in his garden, during his life, which he mentions in "A Pikel for the Knowing Ones," in the following ludicrous style:

"Here will lie in this box the first lord in Americake, the first Lord Dexter made by the voice of hampsher state my brave fellows Affirmed it they give me the titel and so Let it gone for as much as it will fetch it wonte give me Any breade but take from me the Contrary fourder I have a grand toume in my garding at one of the grasses and the tempel of Reason over the toume and my coffen made and all Ready In my hous panted with white Lead inside and outside tuched with greane and bras trimings Eight handels and a gold Lock: I have had one mock founrel it was so solmon and there was so much Criing about 3000 spectators I say my hous is Eaqal to any mansion house in twelve hundred miles and now for sale for seven hundred pounds weight of Dollars by me

Timothy Dexter."

Lord Dexter believed in transmigration, sometimes; at others he was a deist. He died on the 22d day of Oct. 1806, in the 60th year of his age.

No comments:

Post a Comment